Thursday, August 10, 2006

If you are ever bored, read the barter pages of Craigslist

These are actual barter ads taken from a Craiglist for a US City. I want to respond to some with a few technical questions, as Wednesday would do it, just for the heck of it... my responses will be in "[ ]"

I am wanting to trade my female Cockatoo bird 4 a Bally Pinball machine. [does she sing or talk? If so, does she already know or will she learn new words such as "bitchwad" or "cooter" or "cunny"?]

In need of Manequin or Blow up doll for group presentation purposses. Up for trade I have a box full of random stuff. Everything from a swivel mount for a TV to vintage comics. [hmmm, I need an invite to your group presentation if in case you want my mannequin]

Looking for thigh liposuction will trade VS diamond ring with papers. valued at 5500. Must be able to perform this duty, want thing tops done. [Thing can perform the duty if you can bring yourself and the ring to the back door after 4am and have a driver, preferably with a license to drive a station wagon-style vehicle so you can lie down in the back in this homemade bed with excellent gold handles. They should be waiting for you after it is over].

15 Dozen L Adult Diapers and bed liners for ?? [Yeah, for ?? is my concern too!]

My Super-Psychic Services for a Job Contract. - $60000
Have you ever heard of Super-Psychics influencing sporting events, political elections, or local environmental conditions? No? Well I can and have on many occasions. I am both telepathic and Chronokinetic (the psychic ability related to “prayer”). If I am in the Stadium audience focusing on the baseball team, I can direct thoughts to players or influence their action (July 30, 2006 in Oakland, CA – A’s versus Blue Jays. The A’s won). In elections I can influence voters telepathically; in CA I used it to overturn Governor Schwarzenegger’s proposals, whereby everything I had voted on became the end results. Before Global Warming I was able to cause and cease rain, wind, and earthly movements with my abilities. These abilities are dependent only on available Energy, naturally occurring in the environment. It is this Energy that most people know as “good luck” energy. I have studied it and have done hundreds of experiments (as in Applied Superphysics & Occult Archaeology, as found on ). Super-Psychics can be as valuable as lawyers or doctors, and should be paid likewise for using this unusual ability. I am also a local author, one of my books being physical evidence for this ability.

[Well, darn, it's a dilemma because if I ask you to pray for luck to always be on MY side for the rest of my life, it's like you are praying for luck on YOUR side the rest of your life, since you are asking for $60k and I only make about $9/hr anyways...]

To be perfectly honest, I have never done one before, but I am willing to try anything once. I have many tools that may be helpful. I will look online for some tips. How high is your tolerance for pain so that I know what type of herbs to get. Please let me know and by the way, what do you have to barter?

[Fester, you should just yank it for the guy.]

does someone want to trade room mates?

my room mate sucks. i have a really cute apartment. if you're into weird art and lots of bitching, she is the girl for you. i'll trade you for her. she has lots of weird obsessions. if you're weird.. you'd like her too. i dont know why she is my room mate. HELP. better yet, you can just take her.

[hmm, funny, because I just evicted a roommate who was a fan of Care Bears, Americana, and a collector of aquarium decor -- lots of curio cabinets. She's got an email username that begins with 2cute4nemo, maybe you know her? I was glad to be rid of her and her group dinners where everyone is dressed in a homemade bear costume.]

Re: Sea Otter for Beer Swap
To the person who wants to swap a sea otter for beer, thanks for your wonderful offer, but I don't have the resources to keep a sea otter happy.

If you are talking about the stuffed ones from the aquarium, well, maybe I should just drink the beer to deal with these incredible offers.

All others:
24 pack of beer, for best offer. May I please stipulate before I get a giraffe or a minotaur offer, I can't have live (or dead) pets.
The pink elephants I see whilst drunk is enough for me.

[Oi, did you get that email from someone named 2cute4nemo?]

If you have a bad snag in your choppers, call me immediately! I can yank that thing right out for you. Oh sure, it will hurt like Hell, but you'll soon be out of your misery (one way or another).
Also, in rare cases it may be necessary to drill or blast the tooth out.
For drilling I have a 24V Boesch drill with a titanium bit and for blasting
I use a standard M1000 Cherry bomb.
I've had years of experience and NOT ONE COMPLAINT. To be honest most of my experience has been of the bovine or equine type, but most of my patients survive.
So don't suffer one minute longer, contact me ASAP!

[Fester, you forgot to talk about the chair I made for them to sit in that keeps them from waking up in the middle of the procedure. Go back and edit the ad!]

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