Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Run as fast as lightning...


Run, now, don't walk, don't take one more bite... the new W magazine is out and it is THICK and still only $5 in the US: CHRISTINA RICCI has a big article in it with frameable photos... I may have to buy a second copy to take apart the pages and frame some in a gorgeous collage. She's the best version of a flapper girl that's come around in several years. The whole issue is great, showing off the new dark, mod fashions for Fall and Winter 2007.

One of the things she says in the article is that she's not allowed to buy any more fur... hmm, I hope that means not keeping any of it and wearing it because this cover is the only part of this issue that disappoints me. People have to stop promoting fur and leather as glamorous.

They've also got to do something about allowing Naomi into a photo shoot wearing a bikini without getting waxed first...(pg. 515). At least there are solutions to the unsightly other fur. Of course, maybe no one will dare to get near her after she's assaulted all of her help.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Seeking Therapy Group for Daughters of Dumpster-Diving Mothers



Okay, I have included photos so you know for a fact that I am telling you the truth. The latest panic episode of my life began this evening when I discovered a box left by the mailman outside my door. I overheard the vacuum earlier so obviously the apartment building cleaning people had to vacuum around the awful thing. It's a shame that no one steals mail anymore. I knew there was a package coming. I live 3,000 miles away from my mother whom, as of the last 6 years or so, has become a dumpster diver. Well, you see, actually it's her 87 year old "companion" guy that does it for her. He's taller and can reach in and grab whatever looks new to barely used and gives it to her to sell at her yard sales (she lives about 10 houses down the street from this dumpster and she's not worried that the stuff that was tossed in there may be recognized by the tossers who show up to her sale). Worse yet, she has this filter in her brain that tells her to look for anything she can send to her only child, a daughter whom she thinks has a taste for tchotchkes.

I need to preface the most recent description of the item I received with some background. In no way am I bitter or angry at my mother and I love her and care about her more than anyone I know. My mother has a great heart and has always been a giver. I understand that living 3,000 miles away from her for the last 14 years may hinder her ability to know what my tastes are today. I've tried to encourage her to not send me things other than greeting cards. It's just difficult because I don't want to hurt her feelings. She sends me things poorly wrapped that are breakable so most of the time I cannot donate what I receive if it is broken. I tell her that I find the things amusing. She's even gotten to the point to say that if I don't want it, I can sell it on ebay. Hmmm... only if I can list a starting bid of "$0.00."

When I open the box, I notice the stamp reads $6 for priority mail. I barely have the styrofoam popcorn pushed aside and I hear the sound of a music box, the kind you have to wind up. When I saw the shiny green and black material and black feathers and then a broken off piece of porcelain, I just could not get my lungs to work. I was so mortified when I saw this porcelain doll with a head of feathers, these jester shoes and outfit and then the tune staggered out. It had to have played music whenever it was in the presence of the postal workers. I had a sneaking suspicion that it was going to play "Memories," the theme from the Broadway musical "Cats." I turned the wind up key in the back and waited. I actually had to stand the doll upright and put pressure on its feet to get the music to play. Indeed, it was "Memories." But it did not just play music, it moved! It had the movements of a poor animal writhing from its center in pain. Just a sidenote: My mother never liked musicals and only wanted to see "Cats" when it first played on Broadway as part of all the hype, but when she heard some of it on PBS once, she changed the channel out of boredom.

The feathers are flying off the thing, obviously trying to get away from it. The material makes a crinkly noise like the sound of plastic wrap or a plastic grocery bag. The facial expression is not sad or happy with its painted whiskers, gold lips and black nose, yet it screams to be put out of its misery when it moves to the music. I could glue the foot back on but why? Who would want this? Should I take it to a Goodwill or similar place and just leave it outside the donation door overnight? Should I throw it over a fence that carries a "Beware of Dog" sign? I'd love to sneak it into a storefront window of one of those tchotchke stores in the tourist district. Wonder how long it would take for them to notice it is not originally part of their inventory.

At least 24 hours have passed since I received it and I still have not phoned my mother. I may call her when I know she's not home. Thank her for the package. Say nothing else. See if she calls back and not answer the phone (she hangs up before the machine answers).

Friday, August 18, 2006

Osment did NOT see the mailbox


Here we go, Haley Joel Osment hit a mailbox and now everyone will be joking that he can see dead people but he cannot see a mailbox. I bet it will end up on one of those More of Best Celebrity Ooops! (an extra "o" for extra oops) on VH1 or E!. The DUI and possession charges are not going to sit right with all of those insurance companies that have to insure his future film productions. We can see he's already better at the whole "being arrested" process than some of his other peers in the movie world. However he probably should be ashamed that he was caught driving a '95 Saturn. I have not found a mugshot of him. I can't imagine that he had as good a time as Joshua Jackson had in his photo moment.

Of course, Wednesday hopes he can recover from his injuries in time to film a remake of "The Late Great Me! Story of a Teenage Alcoholic" which was an award-winning After School special back in 1979. This should be a part of his community service (as opposed to jail). The story should be updated to include use of cell phones, the Internet, MySpace, laser pointers, cars with DVD players, and updated snacks! Life was sure less exciting when people got wasted in '79, huh?

Thursday, August 10, 2006

If you are ever bored, read the barter pages of Craigslist

These are actual barter ads taken from a Craiglist for a US City. I want to respond to some with a few technical questions, as Wednesday would do it, just for the heck of it... my responses will be in "[ ]"
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I am wanting to trade my female Cockatoo bird 4 a Bally Pinball machine. [does she sing or talk? If so, does she already know or will she learn new words such as "bitchwad" or "cooter" or "cunny"?]
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In need of Manequin or Blow up doll for group presentation purposses. Up for trade I have a box full of random stuff. Everything from a swivel mount for a TV to vintage comics. [hmmm, I need an invite to your group presentation if in case you want my mannequin]
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Looking for thigh liposuction will trade VS diamond ring with papers. valued at 5500. Must be able to perform this duty, want thing tops done. [Thing can perform the duty if you can bring yourself and the ring to the back door after 4am and have a driver, preferably with a license to drive a station wagon-style vehicle so you can lie down in the back in this homemade bed with excellent gold handles. They should be waiting for you after it is over].
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15 Dozen L Adult Diapers and bed liners for ?? [Yeah, for ?? is my concern too!]
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My Super-Psychic Services for a Job Contract. - $60000
Have you ever heard of Super-Psychics influencing sporting events, political elections, or local environmental conditions? No? Well I can and have on many occasions. I am both telepathic and Chronokinetic (the psychic ability related to “prayer”). If I am in the Stadium audience focusing on the baseball team, I can direct thoughts to players or influence their action (July 30, 2006 in Oakland, CA – A’s versus Blue Jays. The A’s won). In elections I can influence voters telepathically; in CA I used it to overturn Governor Schwarzenegger’s proposals, whereby everything I had voted on became the end results. Before Global Warming I was able to cause and cease rain, wind, and earthly movements with my abilities. These abilities are dependent only on available Energy, naturally occurring in the environment. It is this Energy that most people know as “good luck” energy. I have studied it and have done hundreds of experiments (as in Applied Superphysics & Occult Archaeology, as found on www.xlibris.com ). Super-Psychics can be as valuable as lawyers or doctors, and should be paid likewise for using this unusual ability. I am also a local author, one of my books being physical evidence for this ability.


[Well, darn, it's a dilemma because if I ask you to pray for luck to always be on MY side for the rest of my life, it's like you are praying for luck on YOUR side the rest of your life, since you are asking for $60k and I only make about $9/hr anyways...]
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Re: I NEED A ROOT CANAL
Hi,
To be perfectly honest, I have never done one before, but I am willing to try anything once. I have many tools that may be helpful. I will look online for some tips. How high is your tolerance for pain so that I know what type of herbs to get. Please let me know and by the way, what do you have to barter?


[Fester, you should just yank it for the guy.]
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does someone want to trade room mates?

my room mate sucks. i have a really cute apartment. if you're into weird art and lots of bitching, she is the girl for you. i'll trade you for her. she has lots of weird obsessions. if you're weird.. you'd like her too. i dont know why she is my room mate. HELP. better yet, you can just take her.


[hmm, funny, because I just evicted a roommate who was a fan of Care Bears, Americana, and a collector of aquarium decor -- lots of curio cabinets. She's got an email username that begins with 2cute4nemo, maybe you know her? I was glad to be rid of her and her group dinners where everyone is dressed in a homemade bear costume.]
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Re: Sea Otter for Beer Swap
To the person who wants to swap a sea otter for beer, thanks for your wonderful offer, but I don't have the resources to keep a sea otter happy.

If you are talking about the stuffed ones from the aquarium, well, maybe I should just drink the beer to deal with these incredible offers.

All others:
24 pack of beer, for best offer. May I please stipulate before I get a giraffe or a minotaur offer, I can't have live (or dead) pets.
The pink elephants I see whilst drunk is enough for me.


[Oi, did you get that email from someone named 2cute4nemo?]
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If you have a bad snag in your choppers, call me immediately! I can yank that thing right out for you. Oh sure, it will hurt like Hell, but you'll soon be out of your misery (one way or another).
Also, in rare cases it may be necessary to drill or blast the tooth out.
For drilling I have a 24V Boesch drill with a titanium bit and for blasting
I use a standard M1000 Cherry bomb.
I've had years of experience and NOT ONE COMPLAINT. To be honest most of my experience has been of the bovine or equine type, but most of my patients survive.
So don't suffer one minute longer, contact me ASAP!


[Fester, you forgot to talk about the chair I made for them to sit in that keeps them from waking up in the middle of the procedure. Go back and edit the ad!]

Monday, August 07, 2006

RFID, DHS, DOS, ICAO... F.U.C.K.U.!

If nothing else can get my braids in a knot, then it will be security and identity fraud that will be in the headlines for the next decade as the U.S. gov't starts to issue passports with an RFID chip that requires no machine contact to be read, aka the biometric passport aka the E-Passport. This is not a conspiracy theory. It is actual fact and perhaps part of the end-time biblical prophecy. Starting the week of Aug. 14, the DOS (U.S. Dept. of State) plans to begin issuing tourist e-passports for the general populace.

Thieves can steal your information now with the use of your debit card. Count on the fact that there will be someone that can develop software used with a handheld device the size of a Palm Pilot and scan to perhaps later CLONE your information just by being in the security line at the airport (they don't even have to be at an airport to get this from you). They can clone the information and insert it into fake passports. It is worse than being pick-pocketed because you won't necessarily know within 24 hours that the RFID has been read by anyone not affiliated with the government. The defenders try to say that a wire mesh protects the chip from being read from outside the passport when the booklet is not open, but some say differently so do you research.

For example, the e-passport may indeed be designed in compliance with International Civil Aviation Organization (ICAO) standards, even with the DOS addressing the 2,000 comments they received over concerns about privacy and security... they addressed the comments by inserting Basic Access Control (BAC) into the chip's software. However, the beta testing of the e-passport did not cover BAC functionality, which is intended to prevent the unauthorized reading, or "skimming," of information from e-passports. Are they simply guessing that the BAC functionality is going to keep the bad guys out? You know there is something wrong when the Christian groups oppose RFID.

The chip will contain a unique identifying number that can be tracked by law enforcement agencies worldwide. Articles about the e-passport states that the chip contains extra space to add more information down the line... maybe information involving your current employment as, for example, a pro-sports player, a controversial filmmaker, a lion tamer, or stem cell scientist. Who will be more closely scrutinized based on what they do for a living? What about background such as criminal records, health records (do you have a contagious disease), or even whether or not you have attended protest events or whether or not you filed for bankruptcy or owe money to the IRS... use your imagination. How much can we count on the state laws that prohibit surreptitious surveillance?

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

The Gathering coming to DVD

The Film Asylum reports that The Gathering will be on DVD on October 3rd. It was never released into theatres in the US maybe because it looks more like a longer version of an "Outer Limits" episode. The release date is well-timed with the writer Anthony Horowitz's latest movie release, Stormbreaker, due in the US on October 6.